Angle & Perspective

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Journal Confessions

A long time ago one of my best and oldest friends (since we were 14) gave me some of the best life advice that I’ve always remembered through the years. He told me to live my life as an open book.

He’s done a great job of embodying his own advice and has been a positive influence in the world to his own circle and now to a larger audience as a film director.

For me, it’s something I’ve struggled with at times, excelled at others, but without his advice I think I would have struggled even more.

It’s challenged me to be more courageous, more open, more transparent, more vulnerable, more honest, more free to be myself.

In contemplating the biographies and obituary of people written after they’ve passed, I thought, “What if we told our stories while we were still alive?”

Yet it was the moment in my life that I thought I was finally ready and able to truly live my life as an open book that my world came crashing down and the opposite became true. I hid in plain sight.

I’m really good at it actually. Not because I want to project a false image, but because I want to live a life that’s not always focused on my failures and weaknesses, just like everyone else does.

We know a lot of people post only what they want others to know on social media, hiding the rest, but I think that most of us, every time we walk out of the door of our homes into offices, parties, we put on some kind of makeup, some kind of outfit, some kind of front that that’s not always reflective of our true imperfections and limitations we have and I don’t think that’s always a bad thing.

We want others to see us in a good light. We want others to know the best side of us, we want them to see us the way we see ourselves, but if we can never find the time or space or humility to show our imperfections and vulnerabilities, that’s where a facade can come into play and cause damage.

In every day life, at the job, in local relationships, etc., the facade can only be hidden for so long. The danger of social media is that the facade can be maintained much longer or more prominently.

There are things I’ve done that I’m not proud of. There are chapters of my life I’d rather skip over. A lot of my life has been painful and ugly. I’ve shed more tears than most people could imagine.

If I had to be perfectly honest, there are times where I think to myself, “What kind of stupid story is this? And who would want to hear it anyway?”

But there is much of my life that has been beautiful and is worth sharing.

The people I admire the most are the ones who can be raw and honest like the guy in this YouTube video I shared, even though he’s not being entirely honest, he’s learning how to share his emotional state of being without divulging every detail of events, since that’s the fluid part of life that changes with each of us, but the heart condition is more commonly shared and relatable.

But again, it’s something I can at least admit to struggling with.

Over the years, I’ve found comfort in the lyrics of Buju Banton “the full has never been told.” (Introduced to me by my passed husband, God rest his soul, and contributing to the namesake of my son).

Not everything that happens needs to be told in full. Not every story needs to be shared. Some stories are too painful to revisit often. Some are heavier than they’re worth sharing. Some are shared stories that breach on the privacy of others. Some would do more harm than good.

A good story is about the essence, not necessarily all the details.

When a man named Job suffered extreme losses, he didn’t need to speak. His friends sat with him in silence because his story spoke for itself. Not everyone’s story is as evident, so we need to bear these things in mind.

Life is tricky.

It requires a lot of discernment.

What works in one situation, doesn’t work in another.

What can be shared in one encounter, can’t be shared elsewhere.

The freedom of privacy matters as much as the freedom of speech.

There are moments in life that will try your conscience, requiring you to change your mind about what’s right and wrong, and sometimes, things just have to be left to fate.

What I believe will bring my own freedom by exercising my right of free speech or in the pursuit happiness or pursuit of justice (or in general, whatever rights you think you have) may bring the enslavement of someone else that would not end in the kind of solidarity, resolve or redemption truly being sought.

Galatians 5:13: “For you were called to be free, brothers and sisters; only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for self-indulgence, but through love become slaves to one another.”

I’m making this confession publicly, because several statements have come up recently compelling me to introspect and make sure I’m not misleading anyone into believing my life is all roses and daisies.

I am, and always will be Forever Blessed. That will never change, because it doesn’t depend on anything else happening or not happening. I met the Son of God, and that blessed me forever. I was shown the kindness of God, the nature of God, His Holiness was revealed to me and for that I will always be blessed. It’s not dependent on what I do or what’s done for me.

It doesn’t mean I’m blessed in every area of my life or that I experience nothing but blessing or that I’m more blessed than anyone else. I still live under many curses, but I’ve been freed from some and look for the day I’ll be completely free. I still choose to count my blessings every day and appreciate the imperfect life that I have.

There’s a popular meme with good advice, essentially, be careful not to judge, because you don’t know the whole story.

If I’m smiling, it’s not because I want to make everyone think my life is perfect and happy and full of bliss; it’s because I want the best of me to shine brighter than the worst of me. It’s because I want desperately to enjoy the hope, and joy and happiness I can find in a life full of heartache and hardships.

It’s because I like being happy as often as I can. It’s because no matter how bad things get, I want to find a reason to smile, a reason to live, a reason to hope and to bring joy and happiness into others lives. It’s because I cherish the truly good moments that make life worth living and that help me find the strength to keep going.

I don’t live my life as an open book.

Some things will only ever be held between God and man.

The full will never be told.

But I still want to share as best I can, a life that’s balanced between being relatable to my fellow humanity, my brothers and sisters around the world, and a story that’s uniquely mine, unlike anyone else’s.

Please know that, even as an adult, I’m still very much human, and still very much learning how to live.

Buju Banton – Untold Stories (While I’m Living):

https://genius.com/Buju-banton-untold-stories-lyrics

A month or so ago I watched “The Pursuit of Happiness” with Will Smith and son, Jaden Smith, about an ambitious father determined to give his son a better life. I also watched “Hector and the Search for Happiness”, with Simon Pegg, about a psychiatrist who decides to find out what makes people happy in uncovering answers to his own questions and concludes that the pursuit of happiness may be found in the happiness of pursuit itself.

My final advice, gleaning from these, the originally posted YouTube video and my own life experience, I suggest:

The dream you’re looking for may not always be where you expect to find it.

All praise to The Most High,

iam:ForeverBlessed